Key change: drink
Mid-song wardrobe adjustment: drink
Ethnic instrument on stage: drink
...you can hear it being played: two drinks
One of the four elements of hip hop: two drinks
The sound from Baku goes squirrelly: drink until it's back in sync
The video from Baku cuts out: drink
Graham Norton mentions 'gay or European': tut, then drink
Intersong video features tea drinking: one drink
Intersong video features horses: drink
Intersong video features the brutal suppression of opposition activists: two drinks
A republic formed from the remains of the former Yugoslavia gives another former Yugoslav state 12 points: drink
A republic formed from the remains of the former Yugoslavia does not give another former Yugoslav state 12 points: two drinks
Greece announces withdrawal from the Euro during its performance in the hopes no-one will notice: drink
Greece announces withdrawal from the Euro during the Turkish performance for attention: two drinks
Eldest male in the room makes a comment about skirt lengths that is a bit creepy: drink until you've forgotten it
The Russian grannies’ finale turns out to involve them splitting horizontally while a succession of ever smaller grandmothers climb out of the shucked halves: stop drinking.
Jedward win: if you’re Irish or from the IMF empty the bottle. If you’re Jedward: you won. The big competitiony thing. Now give us back those costumes we might be able to sell them in eBay.
Englebert wins: drink until you've worked out how George Osborne is going to use this to explain poor growth in Q2
Spain wins: add 50 basis points to two year bonds.